Public transport varies more than Madonna's image, of course. Occasionally it is clean, efficient and pleasant. This is the same occasionally as occurs in occasionally, somebody is struck by lightning at the moment they win the lottery - and then a dog steals a string of sausages from their pocket. The rest of the time, it seems to have gained an extraneous l.
We have developed the Large Hadron Collider to discover the basis of anti-matter. Fortunately we require no such gigantic metallic Smarties tube to discover what anti-fun is: it is simply the natural state of public transport in the UK.
It is negotiable, however. Not every journey via public transport need end with you curled on the floor, weeping from every pore. I, a hardened veteran from many journey-battles, am here to help. I shall liberally distribute my wisdom into your faces; all you need to do is greedily nibble at it.
I present, then:
Tom Nash's Superb if Glutinous Guide to Public Transport (the Surviving Of)
Travelling by Bus
Ah, buses. Those old warty stand-bys. You can always be sure in the knowledge that, should your car be irreversibly damaged, you can always count on buses. Unfortunately, you can usually only count on them not to turn up.
Should you manage to find one of this rare breed, however, be sure to take the following steps:
1. If there is a spare bench with nobody on it, take it. To sit next to somebody when there is a whole empty bench available is a mortal bus sin - at best, an invasion of personal space; at worst, considered to border on attempted rape.
2. If there is not a spare empty bench, however, you must decide who is to be your travelling partner. Fortunately, you have the perfect organ that evolved for this exact, precise purpose - your nose. You must sit next to somebody who does not smell of wee, vomit or evil. If nobody fits this description, you must take your lumps and stand, even if the empty seat next to Mr. Pukey Pissdevil looks tauntingly inviting to your tired old leggles.
3. Now that you are (hopefully) sat next to somebody, it is of the utmost importance that you do not engage in conversation or eye-contact. Even breathing the same air is pushing it. You're lucky you don't get arrested.
4. If somebody - probably a youth, you know what they're like - starts playing dreadful music from a mobile phone or other device, do not, under any circumstances, remonstrate with them. They'd probably give you a stabbing up or whatnot. In this situation, you have two options: firstly, you can imagine all the ways in which you would deal with the situation, and how you would coolly win the argument with wit and zing, leaving the shamefaced youth only to quietly turn off his or her ear-crap - while silently hoping that somebody else sorts it out. Secondly, you can whip out your own musical device and commence a music battle. Pick something haughty and militaristic, like Wagner. Then let this booze-sodden youth have it, classical style.
5. Be respectful of the other passengers - if you wish to partake in recreational drugs, the correct place for this is the back seats. Nobody can smell it from there, anyway.
6. There is an ancient Chinese proverb that deals well with this situation: when on the thundering metal chariot, your feet stick in a surprise substance, do not endeavour to ruin that surprise. Or in other words, what you don't know, won't make you sick up bits of din-dins.
Travelling by Train
1. If possible, reserve a seat. After all, it's often free to do and guarantees you some semblance of comfort, though of course it bears as close a resemblance to actual comfort as Janet Street-Porter does to a human being.
2. If it has not been possible to reserve a seat, remember that reserving seats is for total jerkholes anyway. sit down at a seat that has not yet been claimed, and glare angrily.
3. Should the train start to crowd up, Derren brown tells us that a surefire way to prevent people from sitting next to you is to hold their eye, smile at the and pat the seat invitingly.
4. To best annoy fellow passengers, when boarding the train, spend a long time stowing your things in the overhead compartment. Then sit at a window seat, but get up to fetch things from your bags many times during the journey. Foolproof!
5. If you wish to order something from the buffet, be sure to have the GDP of Iceland on you.
6. There aren't that many places where you get to pay 30p to take a whizz, so when you get to the station - go nuts!
Travelling by Plane
1. Today is not the day to finally try out your new Islamic fundamentalist fancy dress costume.
2. Nonetheless, when at the airport, consider making a joke about how you let somebody else with a big ticking machine pack your bag. This would certainly show The Man.
3. Reconsider when you see that the security guards are carrying guns - and perhaps even more frighteningly, latex gloves.
4. When on board the flight, dutifully ignore the safety procedures.
5. An hour later, during a patch of turbulence, become terrifyingly aware of the fact that you are in a fragile little barrel floating against all instinctual sense. Wish you had listened to the safety procedures.
6. Realise that the safety procedures would be futile anyway, since no amount of oxygen or little top-up tubes will stop you from blowing up in the plane or catching hypothermia in the cold, cold sea. Be strangely comforted by this.
7. If you see somebody feeling fearful or unwell during a wobble of turbulence, give them a wink and thumbs-up, and then exclaim weee!. They will certainly thank you.
8. Your expectations for the quality of the food should be lowered in direct propotion with the increase in its price.
9. At one point, you may have been allowed to view the cockpit. These days, asking to do this will earn you a strait-jacket for the journey and a nice interview with some rather large, armed men at your destination.
10. When you reach your destination, make sure that you are the first to unbuckle and stand up, well before the little seatbelt light has gone off. This will certainly get you off the plane the fastest - and maybe even earn you a medal!
If these guides don't help you, reader, I'm afraid that you are beyond help, in my expert, medical opinion. Don't say I didn't try!
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New Song
Every so often, as you may or may not know, I forge mediocre little auditory splurges that you can try in your ears, if you like to. Here is one such example! It's only a very rough version, but enjoy it if you possibly can! And even if you can't.
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Fun Fake Facts
In There Will Be Blood, Daniel Day-Lewis famously crammed in 80% more acting than the next leading brand of actor.
Brest in France is home to the only grape able to lactate - hence France's exclusive, fiercely guarded wineshake recipe.
Sophie Ellis-Bextor's fantasy-inspired hit, Mordor On The Dancefloor, is the most misquoted song in recorded history.
Peter Mandelson's newest rap, 'You Can't Handle The Mandleson, Son', is set to be the most pirated mp3 of all time.
The Queen of Sheba is the only known monarch whose kingdom extends exclusively to cat food.
The biggest victims of the digital switchover will be ants, whose antennae will now be entirely useless.
In a fit of Bowdlerisation, UK farmers have elected to rename the cockerel. It will now be known as 'wang-flapper'.
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