This is because all newspaper content requires selection - and the basis of selection tends to be editorial bias. The Guardian picks stories that display left-leaning favouritism, whereas the Daily Mail picks stories that have tenuous links to immigrants being daemons from the outer circles of Hell. It is also because I prefer to spend my 50p a day of luxury spare money on a Mars bar.
Most journalists are impeccable and lovely people, who work very hard. Unfortunately, these are not the people we tend to see splashing hot, spicy, controversial by-lines across the newspapers like hot vomit from a centrifuge.
Science stories tend to suffer the most. They are spattered with scientific lingo like white-coated toothbrush flecks on a mirror with the face of an ugly, leering clown on it, but they are scientifically dubious at best - or more often, entirely misrepresented.
The above was all confirmed when I discovered the following news story, published by one of the best-known tabloids of today.
The News Is Made Up!
Most of the news you made is entirely untrue, according to the country's top boffins.
The results come from a new study performed at the University of Leicester. Dr. Doug Deepur who ran the study says: "PR companies often send out any old rot, but journalists simply don't check their facts."
"More often they simply copy press releases and paste them into the news."
While [insert publication name here] was found to report the news honestly, other papers came out of the study badly.
In fact, in a hard-hitting experiment in which random samples of stories were fact-checked for accuracy, six out of ten newspapers were found to be uncritical... printing nonsense as fact.
Dr. Deepur explains: "Many journalists are wowed by official-sounding methods, or 'sciencey' statements like "six out of ten people prefer ham". But if the journalists were to check their sources, they'd find out that it is rubbish."
"Sheer laziness"
The study also suggests that celebrity endorsements have a part to play, fooling journalists into believing a story is legit.
National treasure Dame Maggie Smith blasted lazy news reporting, saying: "More than once I've seen my name in the paper with an entirely fictitious quote."
"People think that quotes from somebody famous lend weight to a story."
"But I've never been called to check if I did say anything of the sort. It's just sheer laziness".
Entirely made up
Shockingly, the eggheads reckon that some papers even print complete lies... publishing news that is entirely made up.
Dr. Doug continues: "Journos are under a lot of pressure to keep finding extreme stories, and sometimes if they can't find one... they create one.
"Most of the time, even the editors don't know!"
Don't take the time
But mostly the study, which was sponsored by world-leading search engine Google, found that for one reason or another, papers just don't check the facts.
Ian Spie, head of Google UK, says: "It's not a case of not being able to check the facts - journalists just don't take the time to do so.
"A 20-second check on Google will usually reveal the source of a story - which often has vested interests in the results of the study, inflating something scientifically useless."
Mr. Spie advised readers to be wary in future of believing everything they're told.
"You can't believe everything you read - even on Google!" he joked.
Fun Fake Facts
Christopher Walken was one of many celebrities to support his pal Nancy Sinatra during her misguided stint as a cobbler.
Perhaps his greatest stunt, Derren Brown famously predicted the date of his birth.
Contrary to popular belief, the peanut is not actually a nut. It is, biologically speaking, a slinky.
Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, but it is for his greatest invention, ‘Bop It!’, that he will be remembered.
Arcade game Pac-Man is a documentary based upon the life of growling presenter Jeremy Paxman.
Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was based on the Conwy Cardboard Services Factory in Wales.
Rabbits can smell bacon from up to a mile away underwater. Since they are land-dwelling herbivores, this is useless.
Captain Oates' death is often seen as a noble self-sacrifice... but he really just nipped out to get cigarettes and milk.
Cheese jokes pre-date cheese. (by TomOdaighre)
Tiger Woods changed his name from 'Ben D. Woods' to help his erectile dysfunction. It proved very effective. (by lofty835)
Jesus' right leg was longer then his left. (by Dawson001)
Prince Phillip has a long standing bet about how many racist comments he can make; if he hits 1000, he's king for the day. (by Dawson001)
By 2016, it is estimated that 9/10 of the UK mentally disabled would have been on the XFactor auditions. (by Dawson001)
Blind people do not get hungry. (by Dawson001)
The pope isn't actually Catholic! (by Dawson001)
Nobody knows how the London Underground system was created. (by Dawson001)
Rihanna invented the umbrella. (by Dawson001)
Dolphins are very racist. (by Dawson001)
Jeremy Beadle's small hand is now kept In the British Museum. (by Dawson001)
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