Hello all!
In place of a normal post, I have a short story here for y'all. It's super short, so don't worry, you don't need to sigh heavily and slump to the scotch cabinet for a hefty refill in order to face it. Even though I know you're going to anyway. You're so melodramatic, you know that?
It's a bit of silly playing around with the literal idea of God and, in part, the ontological argument for the existence of God. It's not intended to offend anybody, and I doubt it will. Being offended by this would be like being offended by candyfloss. A sticky great mess of sugary silliness.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
But the Word was brittle and fragile. Endings could snap off or winkle on to change the Word, and this would not do. Besides, Words are only three-dimensional in the imagination. God was to be ultimate, the most that could ever be. Immutable, unexceedable. God outgrew the Word, and the Word became the slightest shadow of God’s glory.
Nonetheless, the Word was still holy, and God placed it in a special box to save for later.
That is, He created a box, and then He placed the Word inside it.
In order to create the box, God created the heavens and the earth. He created light to feed, water to nourish, and ground to root, so that He could create trees and shrubs for the wood for His box.
God looked at the box, and saw that the box was good. The best box there has ever been, for it was God’s box, and that is hard to beat.
The trees that remained were strong but pointless, now that God had made His box. So God, in His wisdom, created fruit to hang from the trees. He was pleased, for He Loved the fruit, and they became holy objects through His Love.
As a bit of an afterthought, He created animals, and every living thing with which the water teems, and every winged bird according to its kind. He liked the animals, but could not be bothered to keep making them, so He invented sex too.
Finally, to make sure everything kept ticking over, God invented janitors.
God then grew weary of the Earth, and set off for a while to create supernovae and black holes, to polish quarks and paint nebulae. He left the janitors in charge, charging them to look after His things. In return they would rule over the fish in the sea, and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moved on the ground.
--
On God’s return, He noticed that the janitors, named Adam and Eve, were acting pretty shifty. They hid behind trees from God, which was pointless since God had created all and everything, and could certainly see through trees if He wanted.
They were ashamed of their nudity, and though God could understand their reticence around certain scraggy areas, this was news to Him.
“Why are you ashamed?” He asked, “for I have been looking at those for ages.”
“Eve ate of one of your belongings, the forbidden fruit,” Adam whined.
“Shut up!” cried Eve, “and besides, you did eat of the forbidden fruit too, thou hypocrite, thou.”
“She made me do it!” Adam did appeal unto God.
The Lord was furious that the janitors had thought to eat of His fruit, since they were Holy. Having eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, they surely would eat from the Tree of Life too, since they would definitely Know about it now.
"Consider thyselves banished!” He shouted, “And what is more, Adam, thou and thy kin shalt toil for thy food, and Eve, thou and thy kin shalt undergo excruciating pain during childbirth,” which might have been considered going a bit far, but it was God, who is perfect and infallible, and therefore it was completely just.
To underline His point, God created an Angel with a flaming sword to chase the pair out of Eden. Again, this was absolutely fair enough.
With Adam and Eve removed from the Garden of Eden, God did take himself out of the world for some serious introspection.
“Why did I create the janitors without My steel morality, and with the propensity to steal?” He pondered, “perhaps I am not as perfect as I believed.”
Our Father briefly considered removing evil from the instinctual make-up of humanity, but rejoice, for He was then sidetracked by a more interesting thought.
“Wait,” thought the Lord of Creation, “I am indeed perfect, and ultimate, for that is what it mean to be God.
“Yet I have accidentally created imperfection. Does this not mean that I Myself am imperfect?
“But to be God implies perfection. Therefore what I have done must be perfect. So even if I can imagine something more perfect, it does not mean that what I have already done was not perfect. I have simply created a new level of perfection for Myself to attain, which, being God, I naturally automatically have done.”
The Lord was pleased with Himself for this logic, which He had created in the first place. He made himself more perfect, and everything He did was automatically infallible, even though everything He had done had been perfect before anyway.
The Lord found Himself with a new problem, however.
“I am perfect, and ultimate, as the Creator of All must be.
“However, this means that I cannot think of ways to further improve Myself. If I am unable to think of ways to improve Myself, then my powers of thought are limited. Yet if I can think of ways to improve Myself, then I must have created room for improvement by my thought, at which point I become imperfect.”
God found himself in a logical loop of self-improvement. He searched his perfect soul for areas of potential, and then accomplished that potential with a simple thought. This led Him back to his search.
He finally broke free of this self-contained reverie when He hit upon the realisation that an omnipresent God was more perfect than an entity, and therefore He made Himself so.
At once, He became submerged in the follies and agonies of mankind. The children of Adam and of Eve, man and woman crafted accorded to His own image, did now burn and kill and steal and hate. The janitors took no care over their charge, and so God, shocked, did fire them.
He did this by instantly compressing the Earth to a singularity, turning all of the birds and the beasts, the skies and the seas into parts of the same spectral dot, from which light could never escape.
And God saw that it was good.
In place of a normal post, I have a short story here for y'all. It's super short, so don't worry, you don't need to sigh heavily and slump to the scotch cabinet for a hefty refill in order to face it. Even though I know you're going to anyway. You're so melodramatic, you know that?
It's a bit of silly playing around with the literal idea of God and, in part, the ontological argument for the existence of God. It's not intended to offend anybody, and I doubt it will. Being offended by this would be like being offended by candyfloss. A sticky great mess of sugary silliness.
The One Mistake
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
But the Word was brittle and fragile. Endings could snap off or winkle on to change the Word, and this would not do. Besides, Words are only three-dimensional in the imagination. God was to be ultimate, the most that could ever be. Immutable, unexceedable. God outgrew the Word, and the Word became the slightest shadow of God’s glory.
Nonetheless, the Word was still holy, and God placed it in a special box to save for later.
That is, He created a box, and then He placed the Word inside it.
In order to create the box, God created the heavens and the earth. He created light to feed, water to nourish, and ground to root, so that He could create trees and shrubs for the wood for His box.
God looked at the box, and saw that the box was good. The best box there has ever been, for it was God’s box, and that is hard to beat.
The trees that remained were strong but pointless, now that God had made His box. So God, in His wisdom, created fruit to hang from the trees. He was pleased, for He Loved the fruit, and they became holy objects through His Love.
As a bit of an afterthought, He created animals, and every living thing with which the water teems, and every winged bird according to its kind. He liked the animals, but could not be bothered to keep making them, so He invented sex too.
Finally, to make sure everything kept ticking over, God invented janitors.
God then grew weary of the Earth, and set off for a while to create supernovae and black holes, to polish quarks and paint nebulae. He left the janitors in charge, charging them to look after His things. In return they would rule over the fish in the sea, and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moved on the ground.
--
On God’s return, He noticed that the janitors, named Adam and Eve, were acting pretty shifty. They hid behind trees from God, which was pointless since God had created all and everything, and could certainly see through trees if He wanted.
They were ashamed of their nudity, and though God could understand their reticence around certain scraggy areas, this was news to Him.
“Why are you ashamed?” He asked, “for I have been looking at those for ages.”
“Eve ate of one of your belongings, the forbidden fruit,” Adam whined.
“Shut up!” cried Eve, “and besides, you did eat of the forbidden fruit too, thou hypocrite, thou.”
“She made me do it!” Adam did appeal unto God.
The Lord was furious that the janitors had thought to eat of His fruit, since they were Holy. Having eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, they surely would eat from the Tree of Life too, since they would definitely Know about it now.
"Consider thyselves banished!” He shouted, “And what is more, Adam, thou and thy kin shalt toil for thy food, and Eve, thou and thy kin shalt undergo excruciating pain during childbirth,” which might have been considered going a bit far, but it was God, who is perfect and infallible, and therefore it was completely just.
To underline His point, God created an Angel with a flaming sword to chase the pair out of Eden. Again, this was absolutely fair enough.
With Adam and Eve removed from the Garden of Eden, God did take himself out of the world for some serious introspection.
“Why did I create the janitors without My steel morality, and with the propensity to steal?” He pondered, “perhaps I am not as perfect as I believed.”
Our Father briefly considered removing evil from the instinctual make-up of humanity, but rejoice, for He was then sidetracked by a more interesting thought.
“Wait,” thought the Lord of Creation, “I am indeed perfect, and ultimate, for that is what it mean to be God.
“Yet I have accidentally created imperfection. Does this not mean that I Myself am imperfect?
“But to be God implies perfection. Therefore what I have done must be perfect. So even if I can imagine something more perfect, it does not mean that what I have already done was not perfect. I have simply created a new level of perfection for Myself to attain, which, being God, I naturally automatically have done.”
The Lord was pleased with Himself for this logic, which He had created in the first place. He made himself more perfect, and everything He did was automatically infallible, even though everything He had done had been perfect before anyway.
The Lord found Himself with a new problem, however.
“I am perfect, and ultimate, as the Creator of All must be.
“However, this means that I cannot think of ways to further improve Myself. If I am unable to think of ways to improve Myself, then my powers of thought are limited. Yet if I can think of ways to improve Myself, then I must have created room for improvement by my thought, at which point I become imperfect.”
God found himself in a logical loop of self-improvement. He searched his perfect soul for areas of potential, and then accomplished that potential with a simple thought. This led Him back to his search.
He finally broke free of this self-contained reverie when He hit upon the realisation that an omnipresent God was more perfect than an entity, and therefore He made Himself so.
At once, He became submerged in the follies and agonies of mankind. The children of Adam and of Eve, man and woman crafted accorded to His own image, did now burn and kill and steal and hate. The janitors took no care over their charge, and so God, shocked, did fire them.
He did this by instantly compressing the Earth to a singularity, turning all of the birds and the beasts, the skies and the seas into parts of the same spectral dot, from which light could never escape.
And God saw that it was good.
Where have you gone? Josh has a valid excuse
ReplyDelete